I have been so restless lately.
The past few months have consisted a lot of being convicted about a hundred different things, wanting to live my life differently, failing a hundred more times, and asking God to help me truly love Him.
I don’t want to be lukewarm anymore.
I don’t want to say that I’m a follower of Jesus, but live a life obsessed with comfort and security.
That’s not the kind of life He’s asked me to live.
He’s asked that I love Him with all my heart.
He’s asked me to love others and share His Truth with them.
He’s asked me to stop worrying about myself so much, because He’s working all things together for good for those who love Him.

Now I wait to see what this will look like lived out. Where will I go? Who are the ones He has in mind for me to love? How will I know?
And in this season of waiting and praying for guidance, I hear Him quietly saying, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Do I believe that? Do I believe that His grace is enough?
Is it more sufficient than the comfort of my family, my home, my boyfriend, my own plans?
Do I really believe that He is the only one who can satisfy my heart?

“O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.”
Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

 I can’t believe all of the things we’ve gone through together, love.
There have been times where I’ve seriously wished that I didn’t love you. I’m sure there have been those times for you, too. When it would’ve been easier to walk away, to not figure it out.
There have been times that we’ve lied to each other, we’ve yelled, we’ve gone home angry.
There have been times that I’ve ignored your calls and you haven’t answered my questions.
But then there was a time when we realized how broken we were (and are). We cried, we asked for forgiveness, and we held on to Jesus.
And He’s been the one to hold onto us, and to hold us together ever since.

That makes October 5^th even more special. Because I know that without Him, you would’ve given up on figuring me out a long time ago.
And without Him, I would’ve grown bitter and impatient a long time ago.
It is so incredible to me that He’s given us so  many days together. So many ‘I love you’s to say. So many fights to get over. So many secrets to share, jokes to tell, drives to take, adventures to have together.

 I did love you 3 years ago. But I had no idea how fragile it was. And I had no idea that it would be impossible to hold it together by ourselves.

Now that I have some sort of tiny idea of how hard it is, I want to say I love you even more.  
Thank the Lord for His grace.  
And thank you babe, for being the one that I get to figure it out with.

EATING: Nothing right this minute. Ate a lemon poppy-seed muffin for breakfast. Best invention ever.

DRINKING: Waters! Aren’t I a good girl?

WEARING: Black pants, yellow beady shirt :)

FEELING: Excited for our trip to SC in two days! Come on, work! Hurry up and end!

WEATHER: Beautiful. Sunny and warm. In fact, it might be time for my morning walk. Hehe.

WANTING: I really just want to be out of work. That’s all I ask. Oh also, I want to buy the book ‘The Vow’. Saw the preview for the movie and died a little.

NEEDING: To go home and pack, most likely.

THINKING: About  my baby’s last day of work at the bank today. So pumped for him. So excited to see how our future turns out <3

ENJOYING: Everything. Too broad? I’m enjoying the pretty weather. I’m enjoying being in love with my best friend. I enjoyed (after the fact) waking up early with C.C. to go for a jog. I enjoyed my wild berry smoothie at 6 am. I enjoyed seeing my cranky niece and nephew before I drove to work. I’m enjoying the sunshine. I’m going to enjoy my vacation. So uh.. to sum it up? Everything ;)

PS- Carl, feel free to steal this bad boy. I love little myspacey lists like this. It makes figuring out my feelings a little easier. Haha. Love love love!

I don’t like to think about how special my very first kiss was, because of who it was with. Blech.
I don’t like to think about how mind-numbingly in love I felt like I was for the first time, because of who it was with.
It’s weird to talk about how my heart was pounding when I held his hand. It’s embarrassing to admit that I wish we’d kissed.

I would’ve chosen (and did choose) him over just about anything.
It still made my stomach hurt when I was telling Sarah about when things unraveled with each of these boys.
Some stories made me more sad than others. Some of them made me really proud of myself for speaking my mind when it was really, really, really hard to. And also proud of myself for walking away when every part of me longed to stay and see what happened.

Anyways, these conversations just made me think about the boys who I was really close with at different times.
I remember phone conversations that lasted from 9 at night to 5 in the morning. I remember knowing
work schedules, class schedules, the time of day that he would go running, what he usually did when he got home in the afternoon, and all sorts of other details that only a girl would care about.
I remember telling myself, “We’ll still be best friends after we break up. We love each other way too much to not talk anymore”.
I also remember how much it hurt when we didn’t talk anymore. When I forgot his work schedule. When he didn’t text me after he went running. When I had no idea who he was anymore. When I heard from someone else about another girl he was with.

It is the strangest thing to be inseperable one minute, and not know each other at all the next.
It’s odd even now that I can’t remember if his birthday was on the 14^th or the 16^th.
Those things that used to matter so much to me are barely a shadow in my head now.

I just hope more than anything that this doesn’t happen with me and Michael.
I hope that when I call him at work, someone will always say, “It’s the wife!” and Mike will pick up and call me sweetie.
I hope that he’ll always want to talk to me before he goes to work in the morning. I hope that when he has to take the dog to the vet late at night, I’ll be the one who’s next to him the whole time. I hope that every love letter he writes for the rest of his life is to me. I hope the anniversaries we share will be the only ones I have to remember, and that September 13^th will always be the birthday of the only one I love.  I hope that his nieces will always call me auntie. I hope that I’m always the one he shares his good news with first, and I hope that he is always the one I go to first with mine. I hope that it won’t ever make me sad that every love song I hear reminds me of him. I hope that we always pray together. I hope that we always make up after we fight. I hope that we never leave the other’s heart. I hope that I’ll forever be the one who he comes home to. I hope that we’re always best friends. I hope that we don’t forget eachother.   

I hope that we’ll keep on loving eachother, forever & ever.

Also, I just got an e-mail asking if I could interview at 9:00 on Thursday morning for an HR position.
I already interviewed for it and didn’t get it once… I’m going to cry of embarrassment if I interview
again and don’t get it again! I’ll try to wait until I’m out of the conference room to let the tears flow, though.

Dad would tell me that I need to look at this as “Just another opportunity to trust in the Lord”…
And he would be right. I hope and pray that God will fill Mike and myself up with His spirit.
I hope that we will be content no matter where we work. No matter what our bank accounts look like.
So much easier said than done.

Here’s to a nervous stomach until Thursday!

PS- How in the world am I supposed to respond to questions like, “Have you ever been in a position where you had to relay an unpopular decision to someone else?”
Uhm…. One time at Hallmark, they didn’t order the Webkinz that everyone wanted… so… sure…. There was that time.  ;)

Yesterday, Mike and I were going to take the canoe out for the afternoon because we both got out of work around the same time (which hardly ever happens). It started raining right after lunch time though, so our excellent plan was a no-go.
I got a call from Mike after work and he was like, “Hey. Why don’t we go to crackskulls to get a frappe? Then we can make monkeybread together if you want!”
What?! That is exactly my kind of afternoon. Dream world.
And, after a brief encounter between my bum and the rain-slickened deck stairs (Note to self: never live alone)… We were off for our adventure!

Crackskulls was perfect, as always. I love that little coffee shop/bookstore so much. It makes our town about 100 times cooler. And boy did we have some good luck there. Our frappes were delicious. I found an awesome pasta cookbook with good pictures. I mean, what’s a cookbook without pictures?
AND we found a copy of “Emmaline and the bunny”, which is the cutest book ever.
I have told Mike forever that when/if I have a daughter one day, I’m going to name her Emmaline. I think it’s the prettiest name in the world. Her middle name will probably be Lydia. So anyways, Mike and I had seen this book a long time ago at a different bookstore, and for some wild reason we didn’t buy it. I’ve thought about ordering it on Amazon about 20 times, but could never talk myself into it… I kind of wanted Mikey to get it for me ;) That seemed like a better/sweeter idea.
SO. It was kind of a big deal that we found it again. And for only $6!
Look out, future daughter! Looks like you already have a mandatory bedtime book!

Also, I found the cutest greeting card that had a “love bird” picture on the front. I bought it so that I could put it up at my work desk.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is… yesterday was awesome.
We are going to make the monkeybread tomorrow, though. I got a little carried away making chicken alfredo instead.

“So here’s the gospel as simple as I can make it for you.
None of your righteous acts gives you right standing before God, none of them.
So for all the exhausting religiosity that you buy into of, “If I behave this way, then God loves me, but if I behave this way, I’ve got to stay away from God so I can fix myself up only to come back and then make God see that I’m great, good and worthy of His affection,” there is this impossible lie in us chewing at us constantly to earn what has already been paid for.
And that’s why Paul is going to come back to the cross over and over again. The gospel is not for those who are lost; it’s for those of us who are saved, lest we buy into the lie that our moral behavioral modification is somehow going to make God’s affection for us explode. The cross is there to remind us every time that we screw up that God knew it was coming. No matter how you came in here tonight, you’re not surprising God. He’s not surprised. You had a tough week?  He knows. That’s the point of the cross. You haven’t pursued Him very well this week? He knows. . .the cross. You have some things you really struggle with? The cross! He knows. The cross is always there as evidence that He knows you’re imperfect, but He has imparted to you what is perfect, His Son’s righteousness. And He has taken on the wrath that you rightly deserve and put it on the Son for the Son to absorb.”

All this having been said, Mike saw a canoe for sale on his way home from work yesterday.
The guy selling it is totally into boating/fishing, so he and his girlfriend had just bought a newer and heavy-duty canoe.
Which means what for us? I’ll tell you what it means!
It means that we got a crazy good deal on this wild wilderness contraption!
And yes, the boat actually says, “WILDERNESS” on the side. Win.

Anyways, I am SO excited about this purchase. This week is super busy, but hopefully the weather will participate
and we’ll be able to take old Wilderness out for a spin this weekend.
I can’t wait. I feel like it’s Christmas ;)
Who knew we were such woodsmen.

This is him live. And amazing as ever.
Listen to him. Love him. Buy his albums. Bye.